Cultural shock
by katie666
Summary: Set in Nihon after the end of series. Kurogane hoped to gain some peace but suddenly he has to deal with hyperactive mage, horny soldiers and some cultural misunderstandings. re-titled, because I've found a story with the same title;
1. one

Tsubasa crack

A/N I'm in love with Yama and Nihon fics and I can't get enough of them. This was supposed to be a one-shot but turned out to be a mini-series (mini- mini if you consider their length). It's set after the end of Tsubasa series and describes Kurogane and Yuui's (yeah, I know Clamp won't change his name back but I still can dream) live in Nihon. Oh, and Yuui got his eye back, decided to leave all angst behind and started new life as Tomoyo's court magician- I hope you won't die from overdose of sugar.  


* * *

"…and please, if you could give them to Yuui-kun while they are still warm, because the syrup is the best exactly when…," the voice continued its never-ending list of polite requests (all revolving around a particular blond wizard) but Kurogane stopped listening at least ten minutes ago, only occasionally snarling when he heard things sounding suspiciously like "bishonen" or "chocolate is the best aphrodisiac, don't you agree?". Our favourite ninja looked sulkily through the window and contemplated his recent situation.

The life, he decided after a few minutes, wasn't that awful _in general_. First, he was home and nothing truly live-threatening happened to Tomoyo-hime during his absence. Second, brats and princesses were safe now; _all_ of them; even if their recent number was still a mystery for him- the idiot probably knew, though, still overjoyed by the idea of having so many step-children. Speaking of the devil…

Yuui had been absolutely unbearable; prancing around the castle like an oversized squirrel and fawning to everyone he met at his new home. Every single second he was awake he spent on giggling, chatting and being insanely gregarious.

It seemed that under thick layers of plastic smiles and false cheerfulness Yuui actually had inexhaustible reserves of good humour and undying love for all living creatures (including frogs and bugs) he spotted around the Shirasagi castle. It was almost as he made a personal goal to befriend with every single servant employed in the castle. And if things went like this (Kurogane gave the tired look to all presents he was currently holding) he might even succeed.

Tomoyo took instant liking in him, probably since their first arrival, claiming that they are fellow magicians and "oh my God, Kurogane I'm so relived that you brought Yuui. I thought you might scare him away; but you do realise that he is the best male model in all dimensions, don't you? I must find my measure tape, now!!"

Souma liked him too, although instead of constant 'ohohohohohoho!' she opted for approval wolf-whistle every time they met and treated mage like a younger brother (sort of). They spent a lot of time together- it was almost weird to see always uptight Souma laughing at idiot's jokes - usually after a few drinks but still.

Amaterasu was a little more reserved, politely asking Yuui about future plans ("I'm gonna the best magician ever!") and language lessons ("Finally I know what Kuro-meanie called me when Mokona wasn't around!) but it was more for show and he actually saw the empress trying to teach mage some traditional Japanese dances.

Unfortunately, it was more and more clear that bright mismatched eyes, silky golden hair, milky skin (ah that skin!) and willowy figure were attractive not only for Kurogane (how surprising) but also hordes of other people.

And yeah, the cooks loved him and stuffed with some weird food all the time.

Court ladies loved him even more, treating mage like some sort of cute human-pet.

Advisers were extremely pleased- they almost chocked their pipes- to hear that Yuui would like to work with them (and most of them were over fifty, god dammit, they shouldn't drool over some foreigner, no matter how hot he was).

Servants enjoyed his company a bit too much, as well as gardeners, medical staff and that old guy from the library.

However, one group was even worse.

Soldiers.

My, who would guess?

* * *

Day 1

"Kami… a kami has come!"

"An angel from heaven…"

"Goddess…give us your blessing!"

After the time they had spent in Yama, Kurogane often considered how his fellow-citizens would react at Yuui. In the war-camp, no matter where they went, the mage was immediately in the center of attention- quite funny if you remember that he pretended to be mute and therefore use only gestures to communicate. The ninja wondered if it would be the same in Nihon.

Not in the wildest dreams he imagined that they would treat him as a goddess.

Day 4

"Ohayo Yuui-chan… allow me to say that you look very b-beautiful today" (blush)

"Yuui-san… would you like to sit with us?" (even larger blush)

"C-could I ask you to be my s-s-sparing p-partner?" (blush and sweat-dropping since it took a lot of courage to ask such question with Kurogane trademark laser-glare at your back )

… and so on. It ended thought, when Yuui took off his shirt (it was a present from Tomoyo-hime and he didn't want it to get dirty during training) and more than the half of soldiers fainted from the nosebleed. There were men as well as women between them and if Kurogane wasn't so mad, he might have even felt a tingle of pride for his people's liberality.

Day 17

After being the unwilling cause of blood loses, Yuui went to castle infirmary to start a medicine course and was eager to practice his new skills. However, there was no need for his assistance when he came to training grounds. At least, at the beginning.

"Oh no, I think I've twisted my ankle!"

"Is it a rash?"

"Somebody (a quick glance at the blond) please help me! There's something wrong with my arm!"

"My head is spinning, maybe it's food poisoning?"

"Watch out, you've almost cut off my hand!" (at that moment Yuui run out of sedative ointment and decided to kiss the cut better. Needless to say, Kurogane was forced to kick mage out and banned from training fields.)

* * *

Things were clearly escalating. And now he could hear some noises coming from the shower rooms.

God, save us all.


	2. two

A/N here comes part two;) I forgot to mention earlier that Mokona also appears in this story- she was given to Yuui until he learns Japanese. Enjoy! and of course R&R

Disclaimer: I don't own Tsubasa. If I did, you see what would happen

* * *

Slowly, like a predator on the hunt, Kurogane approached the corner and tried to localise the suspicious noise. Yup, his trouble-senses were right; it came from the bathrooms. Of course, turning back and walking away was not even an option- not for a fearless and loyal ninja he were (aka he didn't want to piss Tomoyo off and be sent away _again_). Therefore, after short preparations- he had to get rid of all those damn presents; and no, he wasn't worry that mage would like them- he slowly opened the door of changing room, ready for any villain/traitor/demon/crazy mage…only to see a bunch of men (probably more than half of all castle guards) crowding by the doors leading to shower room. They were giggling like teenage girls, whispering and pushing each other to get better view of something (someone) having a shower.

At that point Kurogane should probably have realised what was going on however he was too distracted by the fact that his bad-ass soldiers were _giggling _and_ squealing _to think coherently.

When he finally overcame initial shock, he grabbed the nearest man and shook him violently. "What the hell are you doing?" the man snarled.

"Hush!" the man wriggled from his grip. "I don't want to miss anything."

Kurogane froze. At that moment his only thought was _"whaaa…?"_ No one, absolutely no one was allowed to 'hush' him. He must have been standing there for a quite long time, petrified (ninja pride is an awful thing), before one of the officers noticed him. "Oh, Kurogane, you're here?" he said without darting his eyes from the doors (or rather from the tiny space between doors and wall- bad, bad ninjas). "Don't just stand there, you won't see anything."

Still too shocked to protest, Kurogane obliged and come closer to glance through the door. It actually took him a few seconds to understand what was in front of his eyes.

There, inside the steam-filled room was one very naked blond mage standing under one of the further showers. His whole body was glistening with water and shower gel but he made no effort to wash it off and let the water move over his milky-white back, perfect ass (at that moment Kurogane's mouth become dry) and pair of long long legs. He made no effort because he was _dancing._

Although it was not a dance you could call decent- far from that. It involved slow, hypnotic moves and shaking hips in a way that no normal man should be able to. Whole group watched with fascination as the blond lifted his arms and swayed delicately.

"No, no Yuui-chi! You're doing it wrong" cried a voice that belong to no one else but Mokona who emerged from nowhere and jumped on soap shelf. "You have to shake your hips harder, like that black woman we saw in telly!"

"Yessir!" said Yuui with mock salute. "We'll try once again, all right?"

"Yup! Here we go." And they both started dancing again, only this time it was accompanied by singing.

…_There's lot of favours_

_I'm prepared to do._

_You do one for mama-_

_she'll do one for you…_

It was too much for Kurogane's poor brain- it simply shut down as his owner continued to stare (and drool but hush!). All logical thoughts disappeared with loud puff!, leaving only: _Yuui-mommy+ Kuro-daddy… _Unfortunately, next lines, punctuated by violent hips' shake, didn't help at all.

…_When you're good to mama,_

_mama's good to you!..._

All ninja watched with growing fascination as blond mage twisted and twirled under the water. Subconsciously, they leaned more and more forward until the inevitable happened and whole group fell on the floor of shower room. The noise they made was loud enough to alert whole castle not only one vampirc mage with sensitive senses. Uncertain what to do next, the men tried to gather themselves and stand up as nonchalantly as possible; although were not very successful – with Kuro (who came last) sprawled on the top and things like that.

"Hyuu! Hello, everyone; why are you laying on the floor?" cried a cheerful voice. "It can't be very comfortable. Let's help them Moko-chan!" everyone looked (a bit fearfully) at smiling mage. Thankfully, he had put on some towel - small, short and hanging in a way that violated laws of physics (it's almost a canon for such scenes) - and was kneeling in front of them.

"Well, we uhm…" no one seemed to know what to say next.

"It's all right! I understand everything."

"You do?" Kurogane stared at him with disbelief. God, that guy had no shame.

"Naturally! It's very kind that you waited outside and let me take shower alone…"

"What? But we didn't…" some too honest ninja was elbowed and abruptly stopped while Yuui cheerfully continued:

"…but you really didn't have to! I've already used shared showers- in Yamano, I think- so it's not a problem at all!"

"Y-yeah, it was something like this…"

"We didn't want to disturb…"

"You're our guest so…"

"Aww, you're too good to me- I'll be spoiled!" Yuui laughed and waved hands. "Please there's no need for such things. Kuro-chan, you should have told them that I'm not such prude!"

"Don't count me in, I've just came here" huffed said ninja indifferently as though he hadn't took part in peep-at-the-mage party a few minutes earlier. Damn mage, of course he remembered Yamano - and still blushed at the tiniest mention of it. Nevertheless, it seemed that they were save thanks to Yuui's wicked brain. If only…

"But Yuui-chi, Mokona thinks that you're wrong… and all ninja-puppies here weren't waiting for their turn!" OK, maybe they weren't as lucky as he hoped. Damn manju-bun. Damn witch. Damn ma…

"How come, Moko-chan?"

"Because they wanted to be lovey-dovey with Yuui!" Silence. And some more silence.

And mage burst into laughter. "Mokona, you can't be serious!" there were more giggles which made Kurogane somehow offended.

"But it's true! It's one of Mokona 108 secret techniques – secret technique no. 34: sensing perverted thoughts. And their thoughts were very very naughty, really!"

The blond smiled widely and tickled the manju. "Moko-moko is the most amazing creature in the whole world!" he announced, sounding like a proud creator (oh and how Kurogane hated that Witch for lending Mokona to mage, _insisting_ even). "Although I can't imagine such thing."

"But Yuuui," Mokona whined "they were peeping at us!" Some off soldiers gasped, some went pale and Kurogane flushed a beautiful shade of crimson.

"Peeping?" repeated mage a bit dumbly. "Ohh, I see, you wanted to check if I look the same as people here, didn't you? Heavens know what Kuro-rin told you! Probably something about crazy, sugar-addicted monster with over-sized fangs!"

(Kurogane thought that it wasn't bad description but other ninja quickly rushed to disagree)

"See?" squeaked little manju. "Everyone wants to do things to Yuui because they think that Yuui-chi is sooo cute!"

"You think so?" she nodded fiercely and he looked at them shyly. "But Moko-chan is much cuter than me! Wanna hug her?"

And he handed her with a sunny smile.


	3. three

A/N I have no excuse for my lateness. This should be posted before the summer holidays, but...

Disclaimer: I don't own Clamp characters; I just like torturing them- especially Kurogane, because he's so cute when angry.

The same day, evening, dining room.

"… then Mokona said 'But Yuui, they are peeping at us!' And everyone went red like tomato!" the white manjuu continued with delight. "But he just said that Mokona is the cutest thing ever, and it was soo sweet of Yuui that I just had to give him a hug!"

"Ah Moko-chan, it's only true! And everyone who thinks otherwise will have to defeat me, as I will fight for the honour of my beautiful friend!" the mage said, bowing in elaborate manner.

Kurogane rolled his eyes looking warily at Souma, Kendappa and Tomoyo, who, to his immense annoyance, seemed to truly enjoy the story. Thankfully, none of them started asking difficult questions like 'did you appreciate the view?' or 'when our _dear little Kurogane _turned into shameless stalker?' although everything had yet to come.

"Oi, stop treating it like it was a damsel in distress," he said which caused sudden 'awww' from others. "What?"

"Yuui-chi, Kuro-meanie insulted Mokona. He called her _it_!" the creature cried and jumped into mage's arms (and snuggled obnoxiously as to mock him, damn manjuu). "He is such a brute," she said and made a face at the ninja_._

"Hush, hush sweetie, he didn't mean it. Kuro-pon knows that Mokona is beautiful charming and _delicate _(icy glare – mmm, was Yuui bitchy again?) lady."

"Yeah, when pigs will fly."

"Kurogane," Tomoyo said with mock anger, "I think it's enough."

"I must agree with Tomoyo-hime, Kuro-sama; you can't say such things about Mokona. To prevent you from further insults and to fulfil my promise, I have to ask you to prepare for a fight."

"You're kidding me, right?" he said, cursing inwardly at the awful rhyme. Man, it must have been bad with him to say such thing – if only the blond would stop splitting out the nonsense from those rosy, soft-looking lips... No, don't go there, you stupid brain!

"Of course not," now deadly serious mage began unfolding his yukata, "so please prepare."

"Idiot, we can't fight here," the ninja seized his willowy opponent with disbelief. "Besides, what are you going to do with those skinny fists?"

"Oh? Skinny fists you say?" apparently Kurogane chose wrong words because Yuui was giving him a look normally reserved for somebody who just devoured the cookie you've been waiting ages to eat (and everyone knows how important were sweets for the magician) and elongated his fingernails until they were sharp and deadly.

"Well then, if you are _so much better_," mage's voice balanced between amusement and carefully dosed malice, "you surely won't mind if I ask Tomoyo-chan or Souma-nee for some help? Like, hmm… where exactly is Kuro-grump ticklish?"

The mage was devil in disguise; he was sure about it now. "You won't dare," Kurogane hissed although without normal conviction and looked at women for support.

"Ohohohohohoho, Kurogane, are you telling me that the most feared ninja of Nihon is _scared_?" Tomoyo's eyes sparkled with mischief.

"Yes, you're not the man I knew," Souma decided to rub some salt into his wounded pride. "It's really a pity," she added with barely suppressed laughter, "but what can we do? Yuui, I'm surprised that you didn't have an opportunity to found out (a very meaningful look towards the ninja), but Kurogane's most sensitive spot is his stomach - you should see him when we tried to apply some healing ointment there!"

Everyone, except ninja, laughed merrily. "Oh I remember it!" exclaimed the empress, "All servants in the castle thought that Kurogane was possessed by some sort of demon, he laughed so hard." Another eruption of ohohohohohoho filled the room.

"All right, you three are officially worse than harpies," the ninja said, trying to ignore Mokona who was happily bouncing and singing 'Kuro-oni! Kuro-oni!'

"Oh no, now you're saying mean things about my beautiful hosts! I really have to act!" Yuui's hands were now dangerously close to his belly and Kurogane stepped back.

It wasn't as the mage was that difficult to defeat, even in such small room; but then his mind (damn traitor!) reminded him about incident in the bathroom and suddenly catching mage and pressing him to the floor seemed far too intimate. In fact, everything that included him, Yuui and _touching_ of any sorts seemed too intimate as his stupid brain decided to show him more images of naked blond man. In fear that their fight would spiralled into something definitely indecent, Kurogane quickly moved to the other side of room.

"Ach, I can't believe my own mismatched eyes! Tomoyo-chan do you see the same?"

"Indeed Yuui, it's the most peculiar thing I've seen in ages! Kurogane is clearly avoiding the confrontation," the princess shook her head.

"It's almost like apocalypse, isn't it?" asked Souma. "We saw everything, we can die peacefully" she said to Kendappa, who nodded in agreement.

"Oi, stop fooling around! It's none of your business!"

"Oh, but Kuro-shen don't say such things- aren't we one big family, now?" chirped Yuui while attempting to corner ninja. Said man only glared at him, even if it had never worked -but he liked glaring so much, it would be a pity to stop after only one (mage-sized) failure. "Now be a good doggy and let me defeat my little lady's honour, all right?"

"Ugh, quit it already! I'm not going to stay anywhere near you!" Kurogane was clearly losing his recently-improved temper but after all those lonely nights who could blame him? Surely he should be praised for all the self-control he was displaying (Yama!).

"Hahaha, Kuro-chi you must really be scared if you didn't react when I called you a doggy!"

"I'm not scared! I'm never scared you little… don't come any closer!" Kurogane was frantically looking around the room to find some possible shield or escape route. After a quick debate with his pride he ducked behind Tomoyo which maybe was not so wise, since she was so short.

"My my, Kurogane, using your own princess as a shield?" the three (four if you counted the manjuu) harpies had a grand time (obviously must have spent some time with the witch, probably laughing at his expense).

"Oh, where is the ninja honour?!"

"Oh, where is the ninja pride?!"

"Oh, where is the ninja bravery?!"

"Aww, Kuro-ki there's no need to hide from me," although Yuui tried to keep the face serious and continue his act, he was close to suffocate from suppressed giggles. "Aren't you ashamed to act so silly in front of your beautiful rulers?" he said and started moving forward (in a very manly and predatory way, as part of Kurogane's brain noticed and immediately stored into _use-only-during-very-cold-nights _file).

He was so absorbed that almost missed the moment when Yuui finally struck. Thankfully, ninja reflex did not flee away along with ninja pride and honour - he managed to escape by performing set of acrobatic tricks and only one insignificant squeak when the mage almost caught him from behind. He started building a shield from the nearest pillows. That action finally made him realise how grotesque the whole situation was and he stopped (even if it was a pity to waste such nice pillow-fortress).

"All right, you bastard," he gasped heavily, "I give up. Are you happy, now?"

"Noooo, Kuro-boring, you're such a party-pusher!" the blond whined. "Oh well," he shrugged cheerfully, "come Mokona!" and stretched out his arms. And soon the whole room resounded with: _We won with Kuro-pon! We won with Kuro-pon! _

He looked at them with tired irritation "You didn't win. I simply refused to take part in your childish games" Kurogane said haughtily. Ha, horny, aroused and he still can keep his bad-ass demeanour! Take that!

"That's not true. You've lost by default! That's the great interdimensional rule, right?" the blond looked at the women with his best kitty eyes.

"Absolutely! Do you want another cookie Yuui-chan?"

And it worked, as usual. How come that kitty eyes always worked?

They ate in silence for a while. It felt so nice that Kurogane tried to remember if there was any god of silence he could pray to and prolong the bliss. Unfortunately, said god or goddess must have gone on holidays (or simply run far far away after hearing Yuui babbling) that day because he/she didn't prevent Souma from asking that one fatal question.

"But really, Yuui-chan, you didn't mind all those ninja looking at you with such obvious sexual intentions?"

"Sexual, Souma-neechan?" the mage gave her rather puzzled look. "But it's impossible. I mean, they were only men there. And I'm a man too. So it couldn't be."

Silence. And even more silence. And then Kurogane's world felt apart making really deafening metaphorical crash. Because he wasn't waiting until that little evil spying tool known as Mokona, would finally go back to her equally evil creator, to swept the blond off his feet and kiss him senseless, lalalalala, no, certainly not.

The others (fully aware of his feelings) looked a little uncertain at themselves since it was the last answer anyone had expected from (soo gay) mage. Even manjuu gave Kurogane a comforting look that made him want to strangle somebody- blond somebody if he could choose.

Kendappa was first who overcame the initial shock. "So, Yuui-kun… should we understand that you are not familiar with the concept of homosexuality?"

"Eh?" Yuui looked even more lost.

"It means boy-boy pair or girl-girl pairing!" Mokona helpfully supplied. "Didn't they have any boy-boy love in your country?" she asked in sympathetic manner.

"What?! No, of course not!" the mage sounded positively horrified. "Is-is it even physically possible?"

Horrified. The mage was horrified. No matter how many times our poor ninja repeated that sentence, it still didn't sound better. He shouldn't be horrified, dammit! Curious or interested or surprised if he had to. Kurogane looked sullenly at a bottle of sake as it could say that it was just a cruel joke. The mage was so obviously gay! He had to be! After all, he even turned the-manliest-of-manly Kurogane gay!"

He started to drink like there was no tomorrow.

Tomoyo, the ever reasonable one, tried to make some sense of that situation. "Yuui-kun, but you know what sex is, right?"

"Of course, I do!" the blond shook his head, offended. "Sex is a sacred activity between married couple. When comes the right time, the pair finalise their union under the blessing of their families and local priest. If their intentions are pure and their hearts brave, the gods blessed them with offspring" he recited and smiled proudly.

That was… unexpected, at least for the women (Kurogane was currently in the middle of befriending with second bottle).

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but in your country sex was strictly connected with procreation?" Kendappa continued the interrogation.

"Naturally. It's the whole point of doing it, right? The man puts his…" At that moment Kurogane made a high-pitched noise, like he was choking. Stupid, stupid mage; how could he spoke about it so easily around the women? Around him?!

"Ok, ok, we understand Yuui-chan," Tomoyo said hurriedly while Souma tried to pacify the ninja. "And it happened only between husband and wife?"

"Right-o, Tomoyo-chan!" the mage nodded with approval. "That way, if something bad occurred to the parents, their families would take care of children."

"But you were not married?" she asked, looking slyly at Kurogane who suddenly became very silent and very focused.

"Married? Oh no," he laughed and showed his hands. "See? No ring. I wouldn't hide such thing!"

"And you never wanted to…?" now Souma was the one horrified.

"To get married?" At that point Souma tried to say something (probably perverted) but Kendappa gave her a warning glare. "I've never considered such a thing.'

"Why not?" Kurogane asked before anyone else. The intensity of his glare could melt the iron.

The mage was not married. The mage was _not _married and thus free to hitch off with the ninja. The mage had _never_ been married which meant that his delicious, slender body would soon belong solely to Kurogane. At that thought, his mouth began to water.

"Uhm, I was a head wizard there, remember? It was a tradition that the person with this title stayed single to prevent nepotism. The same went to the most important generals."

"Well, that's rather harsh way of dealing with corruption," Kendappa mused. "But politics aside; weren't you curious?"

"Curious, Amaterasu-sama?"

"Uhm, about the… process of co-... I mean, of procreation?" now it was empress' turn to went red. Apparently, the Talk was difficult for everyone.

"Of course I was!" (Kurogane sighed heavily; at least the mage had normal needs- there still was some hope for them) "I've read many biological books from Ashura-ou library and naturally I wanted to know how babies are made." (Or maybe he was just a science freak.) "But," Yuui continued, scratching his head sheepishly, "it took me a while to find out."

"Why is that?" Tomoyo asked with some kind of morbid fascination.

"Well, first I wanted to find some books about it. Unfortunately, each one I managed to found lacked the most important chapters. It was rather weird... I mean, there were no missing pages in other books... Anyway, I tried to ask Ashura-ou next but he went beet-red every time I was about to start and said that he had some urgent economy problems to solve."

"So what did you do, Yuui-chi?" said Mokona trying hard not to laugh since, as one of Yuuko's creations, she was no stranger to the topic of all kinds of love (contrary to her cute blond friend).

"I asked Tsuna-san, the castle chamberlain. He was really old, had wife and many kids and grandchildren so I thought that he knew everything about sex."

"And he did?"

"Yep! Tsuna- san told everything, about the differences about male and female bodies, marriage rituals and act of procreation, all that stuff. He even borrowed a book from one of the soldiers for me, you know, with pictures, so I could understand better" he furrowed his eyebrows. "I think that it was titled 'Kami-' 'Kama-'…"

"Kama sutra?" Kendappa suggested, earning a surprised look. "What? I was once curious, too," she smiled.

"Yes, I thing you're right, Amaterasu-sama! But there was nothing about pregnancy there so I had to ask Yuki-san, the head maid."

"And it was all? No girlfriends? No dates? No kisses stolen in the closet?" Souma couldn't get over the news but mage looked like he had no idea why was she so aggravated.

Suddenly, Kurogane decided that he had enough. "That's bullshit and I'm not buying it. You're not telling me that people of your crazy country made sex only when they wanted to kids. This ain't normal!" he practically bellowed.

"It's hard to admit but Kurogane has some point," said Souma while the ninja shot her a half-glare. "How on earth your people lived as a marriage without showing any affection to each other?"

"Affection?"

"Well… when you like somebody a lot, you usually want to express it somehow and…" Tomoyo paused, not entirely sure how explain it to the clueless mage without offending him.

Thankfully, Yuui released her from dilemma by bursting into laughter.

"Please Tomoyo-hime, I know perfectly well what affection is! But I understand that it's not exactly what you meant. You're talking about love-making, right?" he said easily.

Four pairs of eyes (even Mokona didn't understand what was going on any more) looked at him quizzically while Kurogane punched the wall beside him roaring like a drunken dragon he was. "You freaking moron, you made me think that-that you… me…that _we…_ (a small but significant pause) and all that time you were just toying with me!! (Three exclamation marks-bad bad sign for Kuro's brain.) If we were alone I would strangle you! Cut you in half! I would…"

"Kiss you to death?" sniggered Mokona.

"MANJUU!"

"Kurogane, please calm down! You'll wake the entire castle," Kendappa and Tomoyo were giving him a stern look.

"B-But…!"

"Enough Kurogane, let me deal with it", said Kendappa with royal wave of hand. The ninja looked at her sullenly and grabbed the nearest bottle. The empress turned to face the mage. "Yuui-chan, you said that you never had been married and thus never experience sex."

"Uhm, yes" the blond still looked a bit shocked after Kurogane's outburst but decided to be polite nonetheless.

"However, you said _love-making_ in the way indicating that it was nothing new to you?"

"You're right, of course, Amaterasu-sama," said mage with a disarming smile. "But how are those two things connected?"

"IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOT!" roared Kurogane from his AA corner.

Yuui's eyes snapped wide open. "Whaaa? It is not!"

"It is, you bastard! Stop playing."

"It's not! Don't be silly!"

"It is! And you're a moron!"

"It's not and you are a mean drunkard!"

"Because you're not making any sense! It is!"

"It's not! And you're the one acting like a madman!"

"I am not! And it is!"

"You are! It's not!'

"Boys! Behave!" Tomoyo bristled, causing the two men to look at their feet ashamedly. "I suspect that we are confused by some sort of language mistake."

"True, true!" chirped Mokona and jumped into mage's arms. "Yuui-chi, sex and love-making is the same thing in Kuro-horny world and in Mokona's world, too!"

"Eh, it is? That's really strange" the blond mage said wistfully. "But if Mokona says so, well it must be true!" he added cheerfully.

"Oi, why the hell you believed her and not me!"

"Hmm, it's really strange though. I mean sex is a procreation ritual and love-making is something entirely different! People do it when they like somebody very much and want to share that feeling."

Kurogane fell silent for a moment. "And you… do you… uh, you know… m-make love to somebody in your country?" he stuttered nervously.

"Oh? Naturally; whenever I could! "

"W-WHAT!!" To say that ninja was shocked would be a huge misunderstanding. Let's put a curtain of silence on Kurogane's broken brain. It's not that he wanted to be Yuui's first so badly but to think that… And all those moments when he restrained himself from pouncing on that stupid (cute) little…

In the meantime, the blond kept counting, "…and of course with Ashura-ou since I spent most time with him, and my tutors and Sasha-kun and Dio-kun from the kitchens and Mira-sama and Flo-chan and…"

"Y-Yuui I think that we've got a picture," said Tomoyo hurriedly while her sister and Souma tried to prevent Kurogane from jumping from the window and ending his misery (alcohol, broken brain and arousal should not be mixed). "But I must admit that we're a bit _surprised_ to hear that you did it with so many people."

"You are? But why? Is it uncommon in your country to like more than a few people? It's hard to believe- everyone here is so friendly!"

Tomoyo sweat dropped "W-well, I think that our countries are more different than we might imagine." She looked at the other women for support but they were still occupied with poor heartbroken ninja. Then, an idea struck her. "Yuui-chan, I know that it may sound weird but please pretend for a while that love-making is a foreign concept for us. Could you be more forthcoming?"

The mage squealed with delight and clapped. "Oh Tomoyo-chan, I'm so happy! It's been so long and I missed it _so_ much but no one ever proposed it and I didn't want to be clingy and thought that maybe people in other countries don't do it with someone they know only for a while and," he paused to take a deep breath. "Well, I was a bit sad but it doesn't matter anymore! Thank you, Tomoyo-hime! I'm very grateful that you want to make love with me!

The jaws of everyone in the room simultaneously dropped

"WHAT?!" Kurogane screamed (for the umpteenth time that evening) and smashed his head against the table. There was no way in the hell he would do let that immoral mage to... gah!

"N-No Yuui, it's not what you t-think!" the little princes stuttered, holding her hands defensively and blushing - poor Tomoyo didn't predict such bluntness.

"Yuui-chan! W-what are you saying!" even growing up between (more than dirty) soldiers didn't prepared Souma to hear such words from innocent-looking mage.

Kendappa joined Kurogane beside the table, silently mourning the sophisticated wedding she had planned for the mage and his ninja. And she counted on them so much! She needed that wedding, dammit, so she could introduce her country into new era of tolerance and respecting the minority rights! Where would she find such a cute couple like them?!

And now, instead of a grand wedding they had a grand disaster.

Oblivious to their internal turmoil, the blond flopped gracefully on the floor to untie his sandals, constantly babbling how grateful and happy he was, how wonderful was to live in Nihon now and did he mention that he is soo exited?

"Tomoyo-chan I'm ready!" the mage exclaimed cheerfully and patted the pillow invitingly. The little princess stared at him, at loss about what to say. "Y-you want to do it now? B-but... Yuui-chan, why did you put off your shoes?"

"Eh? But you can't make love with your shoes on, Tomoyo-chan! It's the most important part, after all," the mage said wisely.

"Yuui-chan, I'm afraid we don't truly understand…" Kendappa frowned, wondering if they had made a mistake by inviting the blond to Nihon. True, it was good to have another magician in the country and yes, he was utterly adorable. Plus, Kurogane was _so much _easier to handle with him around - one smile from the cutie and the fearsome ninja would be reduced to a harmless puppy. _However,_ it seemedthe man's sanity was something… well, to be treated with a healthy dose of wary.

Kurogane was not in such contemplative mood. He threw his (fifth? tenth?) bottle out of the window and glared hard, albeit a bit dizzily at the mage. Then he stood up and spoke slowly, like he was talking to a very very dumb child, "I've heard many stupid things you said, Kami help me, I have. And under any normal circumstances I can almost tolerate your constant gibbering. But please, just that one time, could you spare me and tell directly what the HELL IS GOING IN THAT RETARDED HEAD OF YOURS?!"

Well no one is perfect. But who could blame a guy? It was not his fault, after all – it's what too many cold showers do to a man.

"Kuro-tan," the mage said sternly, "why are shouting at me? I just wanted to make love with Tomoyo-hime. Clearly, you don't object?"

"Of course I object! You will do it over my dead body!! And what is that crap about taking off your shoes?!"

Souma looked at the fuming ninja shouting obscenities at slightly trembling Yuui and shook her head. Dear God, why they had to complicate everything? The blond should just explain those weird habits of his - unlike some other, jealous ninja, Souma had actually realised (after short, internal debate with herself) that mage was as pure (and naive) as the first snow (or fresh laundry). Then, Kurogane would have a perfect opportunity to drag him into some empty, comfortable room and thoroughly explain what _really_ love-making means.

Men were so slow sometimes. She definitely had to help them – for the sake of a kingdom of course, since horny and unsatisfied Kurogane was probably the most dangerous thing _ever_. Maybe they should use him as a weapon?

Or maybe not. No one deserved such cruelty, even your enemies.

It was time to act.

"Yuui-kun, understand that our habits are completely different when it comes to some… aspects. Please, explain what you were going to do with Hime-sama."

"But I _have _told you already, Souma-neechan!" the mage looked exasperated. "I just wanted to make love with her!"

"That we understood, but what exactly is love-making to you?" Kendappa asked. "Just tell us the... um, physic side of that act."

Yuui sighed but complied nonetheless. "Ugh, right. I don't really get what all of you are talking about but... In Celes, when two people wanted to express their love or friendship, they would sit on the ground, like that," at those words, the mage flopped on the floor again, with his legs stretched in front of him, "and touch with their soles."

That statement left them speechless so the blond felt obliged to continue. "Our prophet said, and we followed his teachings, that it impossible to feel anything else but love and peace when people touch like that. Naturally, under the condition that their foot are clean and well-kept," he added as an afterthought.

"I'm taking back everything bad I have just said to you" Kurogane said slowly, not taking his eyes of the willowy man. "Living in a place crazy as that... there was _no chance_ for you to be even close to normal."

"And I have absolutely no idea what are you talking about, Kuro-pii," the blond remarked cheerfully, feigning obliviousness. "So... if I've just explained everything... would you do me that honour and make love with me, Tomoyo-hime?"

"Of course, Yuui-chan," the younger princess laughed with glee; relieved, that they won't have to lock Kurogane in some dungeon and a bit ashamed of the indecent images that had popped in her mind a few minutes earlier. "Everything to make our new citizen happy,"

Tomoyo quickly slid off her sandals and positioned herself in front of the mage. "Oh stop, everyone!" she giggled at the incredulous stares of her friends. "You should always show respect towards the foreign customs," she lectured them in semi-serious manner. "Besides, maybe Yuui-kun method of love-making, as strange as it seems, is not that different from ours?" She promptly ignored Yuui's cry 'Of course!' and Kurogane's snorts and continued. "That way, I would be the first person in Nihon to feel Yuui-chan love," she teased looking at the ninja who huffed and stared sulkily at the wall, trying to look as he didn't care.

Because he didn't. It was a ridiculous idea and they all knew that. There was NO WAY that you can feel anything by touching somebody's feet! Stupid mage and his bizarre habits! Feh.

Still his eyes trained themselves at the pair sitting at the floor. God, why was Tomoyo closing her eyes now? And the idiot should stop smiling that way... He was enjoying that too much. He had probably come up with this absurd custom just to annoy him. But there was no way Yuui would get away with it without paying him back. And Kurogane was definitely going to take his sweet time with him...yeah...

While Kurogane was happily getting himself lost in particular thoughts involving hand-cuffs and writhing blonds, Tomoyo and Yuui finally parted their feet. The shy question glimmered in mage's eyes when he finally looked at his petite friend.

"...I would never guess that you like me that much, Yuui-chan," the princess said with delicate smile that made the blond rub his neck sheepishly.

"You're just too kind to me, Hime," he toed the carped a bit. "Um, thank you once again... It really feels like home, now..." the blond said softly. After hearing that, Tomoyo laughed heartily and threw herself at the bewildered mage. "But Yuui-chi, you _are_ at home! You must never doubt it!" she said with wide smile which the blond returned hesitantly.

"Tomoyo-chan..."

"Oh no, don't Tomoyo-chan me now! Next time you return from some trip, you're going to came and said_ Tadaima_ and we all will say _Okairinasai, _all right?"

"Ahaha yessir!" the mage saluted with grin. "Hmm, I think I might go on many trips from now on."

"Wait, wait. Are you telling us that it actually works?" Souma was so shocked that forgot to use the usual honorific but Tomoyo only stretched her back lazily. "Oh, definitely. It's like meditation and sex and music in the same time," she winked. "You just have to try it."

Kendappa only shook her head. "You will never cease to surprise me," she said, although not specifying if she meant Tomoyo, Yuui or magicians in general. "However... it was a hard week for the council and it might be beneficial to feel some extra love. Yuui-kun, would you...?"

"Oh with pleasure, Amaterasu-sama!" the mage almost jumped with joy. "Please sit here," he led her to some comfy-looking pillow.

"No need to be so formal! It's love-making right? Call me Kendappa," she said with a grin.

"Kendappa-ou that is! Would you like to help you with your sandals?"

"Mokona will help!" exclaimed the little creature, bouncing a few times in joy before trying to untie the empress' shoe laces with her chubby paws. "And then Mokona will make footsie love with Yuui, too!"

"I'd love to make love with you, Mokona!" Yuui laughed merrily.

"Hmm, it seems that they will be busy for a while, don't they?" Tomoyo mused and risked a sideway glance at Kurogane who still stood frozen in the corner where her words 'Yuui', 'love', 'works' and 'sex' had caught him. "Well, Kurogane is still dead for the world... care for a little session of love making, Souma?"

The tanned women said nothing but the glint in her eyes spoke volumes.

Later, when everyone was nicely relaxed after Celesian version of love-making and even Kurogane let go of the bottle he had been nursing, Yuui brought up something they all had managed to push away.

"Um, from all things you said, I've gathered that your way of showing feelings like friendship and love is not similar to mine... Is it much different?" he asked in the most genuine and innocent manner.

Everyone in the room froze. And then Kurogane knew that he was absolutely doomed. Because there was _no way _he would be able to tell Yuui what he wanted to do with him after seeing all this. And looking at the women, nor did they. Even Mokona couldn't bring herself to say something perverted.

He needed a drink, badly. Preferably under a cold shower.

A/N I hope you did get the joke. Kudos for everyone who knows where Yuui's idea of love-making comes fromXD. I was thinking about posting one bonus chapter with short scenes revolving around Kurogane's attempts to explain _his _concept of showing affection, but I'm not sure. Although if anyone wanted like to write them, I would be extrmely happy.

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